“Making a decision to have a child—it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
~Elizabeth Stone

February 21, 2012. 12:00(ante meridiem)

Today seemed to be fine. But this day also marks my last step. I put to rest my little one whom I lost at two months. Today, I remember.

Back then, I had everything I wanted. I didn’t even need to ask. And another magical thing on my journey, was to marry the man who loved and cared for me when everyone saw me differently. A man who loved not only my strength, but conscientiously embraced my flaws. To finally be a part of him forever, to finally have our names as one. I could not ask for more. From that point on I believed nothing could ever turn me down. The relationship was blissful. It was almost perfect. We were together for five years, and after six months of being married, I found out I was pregnant. Four weeks. I was happy. But right then, it was taken from us. Too delicate even to be seen or held. After 3 different doctors, 2 hospitals and 2 ultrasounds, I knew nothing would change what had just happened. My baby, there was no heartbeat. He stopped developing. To put simply, my little one did not make it.

Pain. Tears. Death.

I was shaking I did not want them to take it away. I was sobbing. And I never let go holding my tummy. I remembered the lights at the Operating room. I never stopped crying. I just said the words, “I love you & I’m sorry” Then, I was put to sleep and the moment I wake up, It was hell.

The realization of being “not pregnant” anymore. All my plans, my sweet wishes, It all caused me to break. My spirit is crashing down. I felt anger, pain, self-pity, bitterness, loss. I want to join my baby. Questions of Why? Why was it given only to be taken away? Why now? Why me? Why my baby?… Some people say, “Something better is in store for you.” or “He has the most wonderful plans for you and your husband.” I don’t understand, “What could be better than the gift of life?”, “What is this “big plan” in exchange of my little one?”. I have done good things to people same as I have done bad things to some. But I am not a bad person.

So, I asked,

“Why can’t our lives be as magnificent as we planned it to be?”

All were just plain, painful questions.

 Right then I knew. That even If all these were answered, even If all things fall into their proper place, It won’t change the fact. I had a baby and it died. That somewhere in my life, I failed. That in all my happy days to come, I will still have atleast one tearful night. I will still carry the weight of that day. I will still have to tell my future children that there is this one child who came before they came. A part of me will always look back no matter what. 

Yes. I did question God. After all, he took my baby while I was praying. It was everything I hoped for now all gone.

After the surgery, I still felt the physical ordeal for a couple more weeks as my body was still adjusting from pregnancy. I was isolated. I wasn’t eager to talk about what happened. I knew I was changed. I knew It would never be the same again. I remembered, That day, I died.

A few weeks later and I started getting back to work. Met new people, took new paths. 

It has been 7 months since then. And today I would have had that baby. Today would have been my happiest. Our happiest, Ayie and I. Today, I should be at the hospital, sleeping with that sweet smile on my lips because I can’t wait but to wake up. 

Dreams. Wishes. Happiness.

I was surprised to tell my story with minor pause and deep breaths. Somehow, my mind tells me “I am getting there” but my heart still, feels pain. And this pain, this love, will be with me forever. All because I, remember..

I came to realize that life, love, choices, chances, doubt, suffering, faith, hope. Somewhere in your life, you would bump in all these. I am crying but I am beginning to see more clearly. I will never lose this hope. For today, I will Live.

Reality. Memories. Acceptance. 

“Losing Liam was the hardest test God has given me. I barely passed.”  

Now the crippled part of my life has been told. It was somehow a release. And as I am dealing with all of this, I am shocked that many women were actually in my shoes. Baby loss needs a voice.

Now, It’s MINE.

(And If it is not much, I ask for a second of your day to send prayers for my little one (and all the other angel babies). I just want to blew as much kisses for him/her tonight.)