I just know how it feels to be nothing. Because I’ve met suffering, And I indulged myself with countless mistakes. More so, l came face to face with the dark and found myself willing to be lost. Then, and a couple more times. And when people tell me everything around them sucks, I just cant imagine how miserable their life would be of they where in my shoe..

I just learned to be thankful no matter how ugly the circumstances. I might not be proud of my mistakes but I owe it to myself because Ive learned. I have lost, and I lost the most important ones. Fortunately it crafted strength in my belief, and made me hope that days will not always be as cold. That he who knows and hears it all, will bless me abundantly.

Being Thankful as well as being Happy should not be a mere occasional reverie, It should be imprinted in your state of mind. I never doubted I would be this Happy. It’s my in my daily mantra. Its just stupid not believe that somewhere, someone is there watching and he knows the perfect time to cut you and make you grow..

The other night I dreamt of losing my baby.. Inside the dream I was in the bathroom trying to pee when I suddenly passed my LO. I started crying and calling for my mom. I remember having the same nightmare before my pregnancy failure in 2011. This time, It didn’t felt real at all.. I also had seen my lashes falling off in my dreams! As I was in distress the following morning, I searched for dreams and its meanings.

A dead fetus symbolizes the end of something in your life. Or something that hasn’t even started will end abruptly. More so, it said that if I already experienced a pregnancy loss before, it was probably my sub-concious trying to rub the past trauma. The lashes being stripped off, turns to be my worries which I inevitably want to vanish from my mind. Somehow I felt consoled. Indeed, this pregnancy has been giving me un worldly visions. Blame it on the hormones most of the time. But through constant prayers, faith and love, by all means I know we will be fine.

157 days to go and I’ll be able to meet little knicky!”

Thanks for stopping by..

please..

I will be having my birthday on Monday. And as I celebrate this year of my life, I was on a sudden moment of ecstasy and oblivion all at once. They say that in every man’s life, there would at least be three(3) major setbacks. And I would love to believe that I already came past through those of mine. Allow me to recount:
 

1. Was when my Father died. 
   I never had the chance to get over with the thought- that he left us at the time I needed him the most. He was the first man I loved. And he was also the first one to break my heart. Ironically, he was my hero, my inspiration, he was one of the primary reasons why I wanted to conquer myself. Time passed, and I never let go of the constant what-if’s of his untimely passing. I loved him then and I love him even more now. And up until this day, I am just a little girl haunted by the comfort of him being around & robbed of all the good times that might have been.
    
2. (I don’t know how many of you have been here but-) It was when I betrayed a Friend.
   Someone who loved and and cared for me dearly. Someone who trusted me and genuinely believed in me. When I looked back at the times before that moment- creeps get the hold of me. I don’t know if It’s shame or self-pity, but it was never okay. I felt soiled and worthless. That day, I lost confidence in my strength. I didn’t have the courage to held my head high. It was pathetic. And more of that sin, it was the tainted friendship that wounded me further more. Everything just fell backwards. Whenever I think about it, I know that it was one of the biggest tragedy in my journey. To let someone down., to ruin their faith in people. And most of all, to let them have the burden of doubt and mistrust. 
    
3. When I lost my first child.
   I have expressed time and again, “Liam was the hardest test God has given me. I barely passed.” that being said, It was the most dark and hurtful chapter of my life. I was changed. And everything from that moment on made me who I am today. Nothing more, nothing less.
    
    

I am on the verge of trying to make myself better everyday. Of making sense of each new encounters that comes my way. Trying to find my purpose., taking this road that meets no end. Every wound made me stronger and every scar will always remind me that my decisions define what I am as a knowing person. It was also a constant affirmation that somehow, no matter un-just or messed-up your life may seem, there will always be that one special day in a year where you have no choice but to be thankful. That you are here, that you are blessed, and that- you are LOVED. 
I am weak but I know the chances of being strong. I am stubborn, I laugh hard, I curse, and I break. All those imperfections and more. I talk a lot, but I don’t talk shit(and those times when I don’t speak at all, my eyes gives me away). I cry but with that infinite hope of things getting better. I believe in the beauty of suffering, of love’s victory every time I sit down and exchange long distance chat and giggles with my ever loving and supportive husband. Years will come- but now, more than ever, I know I am darkness and sunshine in-love. 



And for that, carry on- shall I greet me a “Happy Birthday dear self!” Another year to pull under- ^_~.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Faith..

pisngi naman nyan.. #love #marriage #LDR (Taken with Instagram)

I still believe..